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Got Balls? (And Don’t Want to Use Them Anymore?)

College basketball brackets aren’t the only thing people are slicing and dicing this week—how about…testicles???

Vasectomy Challenge

Dr. Shin prepares to operate on Mike. Maybe he can afford to do laundry now. (Photo courtesy of Junkie Eric Bickel, Twitter)

Yes, today was the culmination of the second annual VASECTOMY MADNESS Challenge from Washington DC radio jocks (ha, yeah I said it) The Sports Junkies of station 106.7 The Fan.

(Want to enter next year? Remember the URL 1067TheFan.com/BALLS. I can’t make this stuff up.)

Desperate area men submitted their stories in hopes listeners would vote for them to win a free vasectomy from Doctors Paul Shin and Jason Engel, of Urologic Surgeons of Washington. The three finalists included:

Mike, whose wife underwent successful in vitro fertilization, resulting in their three kids. Annnnd, that’s enough he says. Plus having more kids would put his wife at serious risk because of a fallopian tube disorder.

Eric, whose wife’s third pregnancy resulted from a party hosted by the Junkies themselves. Now she is on bedrest with an I.V., and he’s taking off work to care for the kids—so less money for growing costs. And then there’s our winner…

Cowboy Mike, who sort of defies explanation beyond, as one Junkie put it, “dirty.” For one, Mike lives in an actual  “yurt,” sort of like one of those “Game of Thrones” tents, minus the wine and wenches.

Mike has two kids with his “woman.” According to his entry on the website, they “love the tiny bastards but aren’t equipped to raise a third” since they live on her family’s farm and she, apparently, “keeps getting more animals for us to care for when we don’t have the money or time to care for ourselves. I’ve had sex ONCE since she had the second kid and I’m terrified that the one time it happens again will lead to another bundle of endless joy. You know you need to get laid when watching a conga line of male hogs is truly entertaining.”

“Woman” has several jobs, and Mike is a builder (“but I don’t have insurance–don’t tell the government, please!”)

His pleas paid off in a live morning procedure, described play-by-play by the Junkies as Dr. Shin “assisted” this man who showered the night before, but arrived for his procedure in dirty socks.

Well, now he can get down and dirty all he wants. Congratulations, Mike!

And don’t forget, college hoops brackets are due Thursday noon ET. There are many free sites out there – ESPN and the Quicken Loans Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge, just to name a few. So pick by point guards, team colors, mascots, whatever, just make your picks and you could win a fortune.

Or at least an intensely personal medical procedure. For thousands of people to hear.

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A Memphis Tigers Tale

cardsIn honor of my favorite rivalry renewed tonight – Memphis vs. Louisville – I’m reposting a previous ESPN essay I wrote on those glory days (complete with photos of my sister as a pompon girl – you are WELCOME, Lynda Boswell!!!) The new Big East Conference isn’t exactly like the good ole Metro Conference, but for tonight, it will do.

GO TIGERS!

A Memphis Tigers Tale: Success in Memphis Brings Back Memories

Justin Bieber Takes my Basketball, U.S. Soccer vs. the Scut Farkus Affair, & Lip-Sync Love for Auburn

1—Two things confused me Friday night at the sports bar. 1) Why was Justin Bieber suddenly singing where my Kentucky-Baylor hoops game had been? And 2) When I checked my phone, how had said Kentucky hoops game leapt from the first half to four overtimes?

Say "uncle," America!

Say “uncle,” America!

Then I pieced it together. It was after midnight, thus the Bieber Fever, when the sports bar in my Millennial mecca of Arlington, Virginia, becomes a nightclub (and I start getting “ma’am-ed”). And the UK men had been playing so late because the #5 Kentucky women’s hoops team had battled #9 Baylor before the guys to win 133-130 at the same Dallas venue.

Yes I, a female sports blogger, saw the score on my phone and immediately assumed it was the #3 UK guys (who lost, coincidentally, to the #20 Baylor men). Shame on me because the ladies put up record-breaking numbers: Baylor’s Odyssey Sims scored 47 points, and UK’s Jennifer O’Neill 43, a career high—and she didn’t even start! Altogether, it was the highest-scoring Division I women’s game in history.

2—Auburn topped Missouri Saturday for the SEC title and a berth in the national championship, but fans are still talking about last week’s victory over Alabama. Auburn radio announcer Rod Bramblett’s joyous, “Oh, my Lord in heaven!”  ecstasy over Auburn’s last-second touchdown return has been lauded and played so often, fans have it memorized, including 21-year-old Kaitlyn Reed, who recreates the entire sequence spot-on in this video.

3—The 2014 Men’s Soccer World Cup had its group drawings in host country Brazil Friday, determining which teams will play whom in the first rounds. Team USA landed in Group G, which could be described as something like the movie “A Christmas Story”: the U.S. is Ralphie and pretty much everyone else is Scut Farcus. Group G’s other three teams are #2 Germany, #5 Portugal and #24 Ghana (the U.S. is #14). It’s the only group with two teams in the FIFA top five, and Ghana has knocked the U.S. out of the World Cup before. U.S. midfielder Sacha Kljestan tweeted it as the “Group of Death.”

Here’s hoping the U.S. goes all ‘Roid Ralphie on them: Kricken cracken goldang no good futzipuzz freckle crackle fudge fudge fudgers!!!

4—Speaking of Portugal soccer, you might as well get to know Cristiano Ronaldo now, because you will probably be seeing a lot of him when the World Cup starts next summer. The team captain, he normally plays for Spain’s Real Madrid and is the highest-paid soccer player in the world. He’s also very pretty. Naturally with so many gifts, a museum is being built in his honor.

Museums would be a lot sexier...I mean, educational,  if Ronaldo was in charge.

Museums would be a lot sexier…I mean, educational, if Ronaldo was in charge.

Except he is the one building it. Well, allegedly. Rumors differ, but Ronaldo’s home island of Madeira has announced a museum for the 28-year-old who, unlike most museum honorees, hasn’t done the courtesy of dying quite yet. In some cases he is just donating some trophies; in others, it was his own idea. Regardless, he can certainly back it up with 11 major titles and endless player of the year awards.5—You know of course about Nelson Mandela’s passing. What you might not know was the role sports played in his life and the transformation of his country.

Mandela was an amateur boxer in his youth, crediting the sport with giving him a sense of equality—your opponent was simply your opponent, no matter his class or color. A year into his presidency, his appearance at the 1995 Rugby World Cup final in Johannesburg was considered the moment when South Africa was truly united—they beat New Zealand in an upset after years of being banned from international play. Later he was instrumental in landing South Africa the 2010 men’s soccer World Cup. Rest in peace, Madiba.

High 5 Headlines! Rose Wilts, Worries for Winston, and Puppy Snuggles Cost Me the BEST NFL GAME EVER!

chester

Football, or fuzzy kisses? Chester is the clear winner, no OT.

1) It is a testament to the snuggliness of my dog (and maybe some wine) that I fell asleep with him on the couch last night and missed the end of an incredible NFL comeback. Denver visited Boston and brought along many storylines: two of the best quarterbacks, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady squaring off again; Denver receiver Wes Welker returning to play his former Patriots for the first time, and coming off a concussion last week; and temperatures colder than polar bear poop. Denver led 24-0 at the half, but Tom Brady returned reborn in the second,  completing more than 80 percent of his passes to erase the deficit–that Manning shredded with one last touchdown, sending the game into OT. Boston won on a field goal 34-31. Brady inked his 38th career game with 3+ TD passes and no interceptions, the second-most all-time to–guess who–Peyton Manning (42).

2) By the way, the Patriots’ Bill Belichick isn’t the only coach in the family. His daughter Amanda, a Wesleyan University grad, is the head women’s lacrosse coach at Wesleyan, where Dad himself played lacrosse in the early 70s. Both Belichicks were captains of their teams as seniors.

3) That slapping sound you are hearing is Chicago NBA fans’ collective foreheads this week as Bulls star (aka Michael Jordan 2.0) Derrick Rose is once again out for the season, requiring surgery on a torn meniscus in his right knee. He missed last season after tearing the ACL in his left knee. Rose has been Rookie of the Year, Most Valuable Player, and an NBA All-Star, so his frustration must be only slightly worse than Adidas, who just launched his new shoe collection and “The Return of D Rose” campaign. (Or the frustration of Memphians like me, who had our national-runner-up 2008 season erased by the NCAA over allegations that Rose had someone else take his SATs for him. Sigh.) But Rose is only 25, having turned pro after just one year of college play (otherwise snarkily known as a “one and done”). Steve Nash (39, Lakers) and Manu Ginobli (36, San Antonio Spurs) are just a couple of superstar starters playing for super teams well into their 30s. And Chicago still has their NHL champion Blackhawks, currently among the top of the Western Conference.

4) The slapping sound you are still hearing is me. My forehead. Because it just couldn’t be a football season without a sexual assault case. Oh wait, my bad. Just before the season, a group of Vanderbilt players were indicted on counts of aggravated rape and sexual battery against a victim in a dorm room. (The case is ongoing and getting uglier). Now, Florida State quarterback and Heisman Trophy hopeful Jameis Winston is at the center of a potential rape charge stemming from an encounter in December 2012. Details are still unclear, but we at least know the following: 1, The victim reported the event a year ago and asserts it was not consensual. 2, The case was only referred to the Florida State Attorney General two weeks ago. 3, There is a DNA evidence match confirmed. 4, Some affidavits support Winston; others support the alleged victim. And 5, Winston is a redshirt freshman leading the Seminoles to their first potential championship since 1999. Whatever the outcome, we can hope whoever is telling the truth will see justice, and that the athletes of a storied program won’t see their hard work overshadowed by scandal. But I have to wonder if either will happen.

5) OK, let’s end on a funny note. If you missed it last weekend (and I did because I haven’t found “Saturday Night Live” reliably funny since 1982. Yeah, I said it. Except for episodes with Justin Timberlake, also from Memphis. Naturally.), SNL really did come through with a parody of “The Red Zone” channel. Each Sunday, Red Zone allows fans to see any potential NFL scoring play–when the ball is within 20 yards of the goal line, aka “the red zone.” (I must admit I do have this channel.) But if you’re not into sports, you now have “The Rosé Zone“–a women’s channel with all the best (worst?) reality TV moments without the charity benefits and fashion shows. As one “viewer” puts it, “B*tches be crazy. But not all the time. Sometimes b*tches just be standin’ around and thinkin’.” <cut to Kim Kardashian staring vacantly>. “And mama ain’t about that.” Hilarious.

High Five! Denver Upends KC, JJ Sprints to Title, and a UFC Champ–or Is He?

1) Despite two ankles wrapped like “mummy” and not “Manning,” an injured Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos handed the Kansas City Chiefs their first defeat Sunday night, 27-17 at Denver. KC was the last undefeated team in the NFL—a surprising and commendable turn of events for a team that ended last season with a fired coach, a player’s murder-suicide, and a new head coach, Andy Reid, who himself was fired after a long, spotty career with the Eagles.  The matchup was also anticipated because Denver and KC are also in the same division, the AFC West, and are two of the nation’s best teams, both now at 9-1. Denver is still without head coach John Fox, recovering from a successful aortic valve transplant two weeks ago.

Georges St-Pierre

You should have seen the other guy. (Accccctually the other guy looked pretty OK.)

2) In a questionable split-decision, followed by an even more bizarre statement of potential retirement, beloved—and bloodied—UFC champion Georges St-Pierre successfully defended his welterweight title a ninth time Saturday, beating Johny Hendricks. As a normally “GSP”-loving crowd booed, St-Pierre (25-2) was named the winner, then stated he was having personal problems and was going to “go away for a little bit.” Although classy in his speech, a clearly stunned Hendricks remarked how unfair it would be for St-Pierre to retire, and deny him a rematch. UFC president Dana White claimed he does not expect St-Pierre to retire and will immediately seek to line up the two fighters again. “Georges knew he lost, his corner knew he lost, Hendricks knew he won, and his corner knew they won,” said White.

3) Less than a week after No. 2 Michigan State knocked off No. 1 Kentucky, J.J. Mann set off another men’s basketball upset when he sank the go-ahead 3-pointer with 13.1 seconds left to lift unranked Belmont over No. 12 North Carolina 83-80 on Sunday in the Hall of Fame Tipoff. Mann finished with a career-best 28 points. The Tar Heels’ James McAdoo was not far behind, scoring a career-high 27 points with 13 rebounds.

4) Jimmie Johnson won his sixth NASCAR Chase for the Sprint Cup championship in eight years in Homestead, Fla., Sunday, putting him behind only Richard Petty and the late Dale Earnhardt Sr., each with seven titles. Johnson is the youngest driver to win six titles, reaching that mark 83 days before Petty. He’s also the fastest to six titles, as neither Petty nor Earnhardt did it in an eight-year span. Rounding out this year’s drivers, Matt Kenseth, Kevin Harvick, Kyle Busch, Dale Earnhardt Jr., and Jeff Gordon. Finishing in the middle of the Sprint Cup pack was Danica Patrick in 27th.

5) Finally, congratulations to my alma mater, Centre College, and its field hockey team, which lost in the Sweet Sixteen round of the NCAA tournament this weekend to Christopher Newport College, 1-0. It was the Lady Colonels’ first appearance in the tournament. Now, is there an American professional field hockey league? Not that I know of. Will you ever hear Shelby Judkins or Kirby Roberts on ESPN? Probably not. But you might see them owning it someday. Or in a boardroom, a corner office, maybe even the Oval Office. As the NCAA commercials say, most student-athletes will go pro in something other than sports. I can’t wait to see what these ladies do. Well done!

Boston Strong, or Boston Wrong?

I'm going as a Sexy Flapper Vampire Showgirl (hey it was slim pickins' at Party City)

I’m going as a Sexy Flapper Vampire Showgirl (hey it was slim pickins’ at Party City)

Oh October, if it had arms I would hug it. Because in case you’ve been too busy buying your Sexy Nurse, Sexy Teacher, or Sexy TSA Agent (this really exists) Halloween costumes to notice, during these brief few weeks, pretty much every major American sport is playing (regular or at least pre-season) concurrently: pro football, hockey, and basketball, college football and basketball. And hmmmm, what’s the other one?

Oh yeah, pro baseball – tonight is the first game of the World Series, with Boston hosting St. Louis in the first of the best-of-seven-game “Fall Classic.” Boston is playing its 12th series—but St. Louis has won 11 series. However, Boston defeated St. Louis 4-0 in the historic 2004 series, the Sox’s first title since 1918, finally ending “The Curse of the Bambino” (when they sent Babe Ruth to the Yankees). The Sox won the series again in 2007; the Cardinals in 2011.

Here’s another fun fact: In 1971, the World Series had its first-ever full night game. Regular season MLB games had been played at night before, and World Series games had been completed at night, but Game 4 of the Orioles-Pirates series was the first scheduled nighttime event. Now all World Series games are at night—the last daytime game was Game 6 in 1987.

Now go forth and be annoying with your new knowledge! And tune in tonight to Fox at 8:07 p.m. ET for the first pitch.

High Five! Mickelson, Video Game Scandal, and a Snake Surprise

Took a small break this week along the Chesapeake Bay—you know, the usual vacation activities: playing guitar, strolling craft shops, pulling up a crab trap to find a VERY LARGE SNAKE. As sports go, it’s kind of hard to top snake-wrangling, but here’s this week’s High Five anyway…

A trophy fit for a British Open champ--or a British duchess in her 11th hour of labor.

A trophy fit for a British Open champ–or a British duchess in her 11th hour of labor.

1) Playing what he called the best round of his career, lefty golfer Phil Mickelson won his first “Claret Jug” and British Open Championship (on the 20th try) Sunday in Gullane, Scotland, zipping from behind past names like Tiger Woods and Ernie Els to a 5-under-par 66. The win was particularly satisfying after last month’s crushing runner-up finish at the U.S. Open—for the sixth time.

2) Adding more joy to Chicago fans still excited over the Blackhawks’ Stanley Cup win, Chicago Bulls star Derrick Rose is reportedly finally 100% cleared to play after missing last season with a torn ACL. Rose says he feels completely healthy and even coach Tom Thibodeau says he will play “normal minutes” during pre-season.

3) Houston rookie outfielder Brandon Barnes hit for the “cycle” Friday night against the Seattle Mariners, becoming only the second player to do so this year (Mike Trout, Anaheim Angels, May 21, also against Seattle). The cycle occurs when a hitter achieves a single, a double, a triple, and a home run in the same game. (The triple, actually, tends to be the toughest of the four to nail.) Unfortunately, the Astros still lost, 10-7.

4) As national college football “media days” take place, a huge spotlight is on…video games. More specifically, how EA Sports use images of actual college sports stars to benefit themselves and the NCAA—but not the players, who, being considered amateur college student-athletes, are not allowed to receive compensation. That’s a very simplified version of the ongoing “O’Bannon Case,” a class-action suit centering around former UCLA hoops star Ed O’Bannon. Plenty more to come on this, but here’s a great Sports Illustrated story explaining the history.

5) It’s not just male players and coaches who are making headlines lately around alleged bad behavior. Oakland University (Rochester, Mich.) women’s basketball coach Beckie Francis was fired in June after multiple player allegations that she harassed them about their eating habits, sexual lives, and religious beliefs. Her firing also occurred the same day school president Gary Russi–her husband—announced his retirement.

Earlier this year, former Baylor basketball star Britney Griner, now an openly gay WNBA Phoenix Mercury rookie, opened up about Baylor coaching staff pressure to keep her sexuality under wraps. And in April, Rutgers men’s basketball coach Mike Rice was fired for verbally and physically attacking players. Bottom line, we may not know what goes on behind locker room doors, but we can teach our kids that no one, no matter how famous, has a right to tell them how to live their lives.