A Musical “High Five!”

1) Biogenesis Bungles via The Bangles
It’s already a Manic Monday for Yankees third baseman Alex Rodruiguez–youngest player to hit 500 homers, then 600. He had the most lucrative contract ever, and is penciled in for tonight’s game against the White Sox. But today we’ll learn his punishment for alleged involvement in the Biogenesis clinic PED scandal and whether it will be the longest suspension ever or even a lifetime ban, depending on the “drug terms test agreement” or the “best interest for baseball clause.” If he is suspended, he will likely appeal. Stay tuned.

Who needs a walk-off when you can funk-off?

Why walk off when you can funk off?

2) Cat’s in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon (and the Master’s Jacket, and the Gary Player Cup…)
Like many women, I’m not a Tiger Woods fan, nor will I trumpet his “comeback” when he brought his numb-nuttiness on himself. But I do respect a good performance, and he had one this weekend at the Bridgestone Invitational in Akron, finishing -15 for his 79th career PGA tournament win, just shy of Sam Snead’s record 82. Woods, 37, also tied his career-high round on Friday at 61. It was his fifth PGA win this season, and a warm-up for next week’s Championship. Best of all, Woods’ four-year-old son Charlie was in attendance for the first time during a Tiger win, so dad and cub got together then, you know they had a good time thennnn. (Get your tissues, guys, for this Harry Chapin classic.)

3) Cooper Controversy
Also in the shame crosshairs last week was Philadelphia Eagles receiver Riley Cooper, who is white, after a cell phone video clip of him using the “n-word” at a Kenny Chesney concert surfaced two days before training camp began. Cooper said teammates were supporting him. But other players claimed there was a definite division—not something first year coach Chip Kelly needs when the jerseys aren’t even sewn yet. The Eagles fined Cooper an undisclosed amount and excused him from camp for sensitivity counseling. Is it enough? When and how should the NFL punish its players? After recent months of DUIs and an alleged murder, I think Prince’s “Controversy” is fitting: I just can’t believe all the things people say / Controversy. / If life is just a game, we’re all just the same. Do you wanna play? / Controversy. Do you wanna play, Cooper? And other knuckleheads who make insensitive remarks or worse? Yes? Then start policing yourselves before police do it for you.

4) Once, Twice, Three Times a Walkoff…
The Texas Rangers swept their series with the L.A. Angels last week, each of the three games ending on walk-off home runs* longer than Lionel Ritchie’s career. The first came from Geovany Soto’s solo shots in the ninth on Monday; then Leonys Martin’s three-run homer in the tenth on Tuesday. Adrian Beltre provided the final insult in the ninth of the last game.

*A “walk-off home run” is a special bonus because it ends the game when the home team is behind or tied in the last inning. Home teams always bat last, so the homer gives them the lead, and they can immediately walk off the field. And while you’re walking off, check out the Commodores’ Three Times a Lady video.

5) He Works Hard for the Money
As someone who has slung more than her share of cheap beer in cheaper establishments over the years, I admit this story made me bristle at first. New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees caught some serious social media flak from a photo of a restaurant receipt on which he’d left a $3 tip for a $74 bill. Whuh? Hadn’t he seen the famous Reservoir Dogs tipping debate (don’t be a Mr. Pink, guys, come on)? Then I learned it was a takeout order. Not a sit-down meal or even delivery, but takeout, when you go in and pick it up yourself. Most of us don’t tip anything at all on those; Drew actually went above and beyond. So for him and the kitchen staff who helped him out, I salute you, Donna Summer style.

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